monsters that are probably not under your bed—and why

!35.Tsuchigumo.jpg
Tsuchigumo, a shapeshifting, face-eating spider that is very likely not under your bed.

Minotaur
He's still lost in that labyrinth. You've never even been to an escape room. You're probably good.

mug-wamp
That thing is unhealthily fixated on guarding Lake Temiskaming in Ontario, not your bed.

Bahamut
Sure, technically the behemoth whale monster is under your bed, but that's because Bahamut holds up the whole world so that we don't plummet to the bottom of space. Bahamut is under all the beds.

Dracula
Dracula won't dine on you. According to the literature, he prefers fancy Victorian necks sprinkled with rosewater and draped in pearls. He probably bites with his pinky out.

Tsuchigumo
You don't know them, but these legends called Yorimitsu and Watanabe no Tsuna slashed open the shapeshifting giant spider and skulls poured out of its belly, probably from all the children it had eaten. But since then, no giant shapeshifting spider sightings. It's much more likely that you'd disappear tonight and it wouldn't be Tsuchigumo.

Medusa
She turns grown men into stone, and you seem to be moving just fine. Also you're bad at eye contact.

mermaid
They're bound to the sea. Even in that Splash movie with Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah, she's on a bed, not under it. For mermaids, I'd worry more about the tub.

Loch Ness
You keep worrying about water-bound creatures from distant lands. I'd focus on the terrestrial terrors, they're the ones that can get you, hypothetically. Nessie isn't even a danger for water beds.

unicorn
Okay, is this more of a fear or a wish?

Dybbuk
That evil spirit's primary need is to be attached to you. So much so, that if it were under your bed, it would be a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are a deal-breaker for the dybbuk.

Basilisk
You think that narrow space beneath your bed is grandiose enough—regal enough—for the serpent king? I'll bet the safety of my children that it's not. One look from the Basilisk and you're dead, so if you think it's really around, maybe kill that nightlight.

hydra
Too many heads, and all of them would be very noisy. All I hear is that racket from the kraken in your closet.

Monsters That Are Probably Not Under Your Bed—and Why

Minotaur
He's still lost in that labyrinth. You've never even been to an escape room. You're probably good.

mug-wamp
That thing is unhealthily fixated on guarding Lake Temiskaming in Ontario, not your bed.

Bahamut
Sure, technically, the behemoth whale monster is under your bed, but that's because Bahamut holds up the whole world so that we don't plummet to the bottom of space. Bahamut is under all the beds.

Dracula
Dracula won't dine on you. According to the literature, he prefers fancy Victorian necks sprinkled with rosewater and draped in pearls. He probably bites with his pinky out.

Tsuchigumo
You don't know them, but these legends called Yorimitsu and Watanabe no Tsuna slashed open the shapeshifting giant spider and skulls poured out of its belly, probably from all the children it had eaten. But since then, no giant shapeshifting spider sightings. It's much more likely that you'd disappear tonight and it wouldn't be Tsuchigumo.

Medusa
She turns grown men into stone, and you seem to be moving just fine. Also... you're bad at eye contact.

mermaid
They're bound to the sea. Even in that Splash movie with Tom Hanks and Darryl Hannah, she's on a bed, not under it. For mermaids, I'd worry more about the tub.

Loch Ness
You keep worrying about water-bound creatures from distant lands. I'd focus on the terrestrial terrors, they're the ones that can get you, hypothetically. Nessie isn't even a danger for water beds.

unicorn
Okay, is this more of a fear or a wish?

dybbuk
That evil spirit's primary need is to be attached to you. So much so, that if it were under your bed, it would be a long-distance relationship. Long-distance relationships are a deal-breaker for the dybbuk.

Basilisk
You think that narrow space beneath your bed is grandiose enough—regal enough—for the serpent king? I'll bet the safety of my children that it's not. One look from the Basilisk and you're dead, so if you think it's really around, maybe kill that nightlight.

hydra
Too many heads, and all of them would be very noisy. All I hear is that racket from the kraken in your closet.