music you must not miss

• (1987) Dance-A-Thong Boys - "Enhance Your Prance."Something about that spiraling glockenspiel building between the piano-peppered refrains really adds the right amount of bounce to the drunken walk home from the bar. Listen to it loud enough and it will wobble your night vision.

• (1983) The Lucinda Greenbaum - "Who's Santa?"Two words for you: Yiddish Christmas. Although it's a seasonal song, Greenbaum's nicotined voice spreads cheer on the dance floor no matter what the month. Even better than her breakout single, "Oy! Cats!"

• (1984) Problem Jazz Ensemble - "Let's Snort"Once played by every guy with chest hair and a convertible driving in white-out conditions, the song was recently adopted by the Association of Potbelly Pig Enthusiasts. Who cares if this breathy synthesizer stomp is about nose drugs? After hearing those woodwinds come in, you'll be rubbing that tamborine part on your upper gums and talking about yourself at a million miles a minute and oh it's so good.

• (1985) Pizza Party - "Pepperoni"This electro-flip masterpiece from Dusty got heavy rotation on Dad's hi-fi from day one, and it still floors me every time. 45 seconds of rhyming instructions for sausage-curing falling just behind the metallic throbbing beat. The music robots must listen to while they're charging.

• (1986) Kick-Kick Stand - "BM On Your BMX"The world's introduction to the now infamous genre of backyardcore came this cassingle. The wails of those unhinged harpsicords and the rhythmic revving of lawn mowers on the hook inspired countless teens to hop on their bicycles and pedal their pimples off. Now it's your turn. Just be sure to wear a helmet and bring an extra pair of undies. That ground comes at you fast and there ain't no takebacks.

• (1987) Ragga Meat - "Comb Your Flair""Everybody plays the part/ Play with yours and win her heart/ Vagina!/" — Every time you sing along, remember: vagina is all you're really saying. Everything else is just filler.

• (1988) Huckster - "Huck Face"The drum machine throbbing with clicks and thumps is what draws you in, but the flanged oboe chirps at hummingbird tempo is what hold you there. I first heard this song at the dawn of my sexual awakening, and to this day when "Huck Face" comes on the radio I have to turn up the volume, find the nearest speaker, and hold myself against it.

• (1991) Guitar Island - "Stranded"The throat-cutting guitar riffs on the intro explain enough.

• (1992) Balthazero - "Deadly Death"If you lived a minute of the early nineties, you know that Balthazero first invented and then reinvented the genre of Brazillian Alley Thop. I didn't particularly love their music, but it was such a middle-school bully anthem that the melody was engraved into my brain by assuming the role of the victim during several brutal beat-downs by the bike racks. Those stoned sadists would sing the chorus (The word "die" repeated in 14 different languages) as they held me down and stuffed my nostrils with Tic-Tacs. Still, it's a great song.

• (1994) MT Wallet - "Pocket Lynch"Every dance floor from here to Thailand was throbbing with this jam. For at least a year. I lost my virginity on a hay ride during the first half of this song. I blame my lackluster performance on my inexperience, my allergy to hay, and this song's now-legendary mid-song tempo doubling.

• (1995) Keys - "Titanium Leaf #3"I went to this party at some kids house, which backed up to the train tracks. Some girl convinced me to take acid with her and somehow I ended up by myself, in a moving boxcar, with this cassette tape in my Sports Walkman. My dad had to drive to Arizona to pick me up the next day. We lived in Oklahoma.

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